Earlier today, I left a scathing note on some one's windshield. It wasn't pretty. The crime: daring to park their car smack in the middle of the right hand lane on the service road to the Van Wyck. There it rested, nonchalantly with its student driver bumper sticker on the rear fender and a For Sale sign in the window taunting me as I contemplated the traffic jam that was ensuing as a result. Okay, fine, I never actually left the note, but, oh, how I wanted to. I spent the remainder of my drive composing one and imagining how I'd hand deliver it directly to the owner's right eye. Which is weird, because I'm not a violent person. I generally go out of my way to avoid a confrontation.
And I wonder. Why does a little inconvenience like that get me so incensed? I don't have an anger problem-far from it. I let much bigger things roll right off on a regular basis. It's just that the insensitivity of others really makes me go crazy; double parking, talking at someone else's chupah, blocking a driveway, leaving a full cart in the front of a line while you go shop for twenty more items, anything that inconveniences others for the sole purpose of making the life of the one doing it a little easier.
I don't like to think about it too much, because if I do, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll end up coming to the obvious, if unpleasant conclusion. Perhaps, it bothers me to such an irrational extent because it's a flaw I unconsciously recognize in myself. I pride myself on being open and honest and Ive been prizing it, for the most part, above the sensitivities and feelings of others. That's so wrong. How quickly I've forgotten my dislike and disgust when I used to come face to face with a 'blunt' person. Blunt is just another way of saying open and honest at the expense of others.
It all got me thinking about a conversation I recently had with a friend. I confidently declared it unnecessary to hold back or hide anything from a friend even if it might hurt or inconvenience. "Isn't that what friends are for?", I (stupidly) queried. I can't believe I said that now. I can't believe I've become that person. Someone who alienates other people, because she doesn't know when to let it out, and when to keep it to herself. Not every thought has to be shared. Not every opinion has to be told. It's a lesson I'm trying to learn, and I hope I do so, quickly. And so, to my friend, I know we agreed to disagree, but I'm going to have to break our agreement and side with you.
8 comments:
It is a very difficult thing to take a cold, hard look at oneself and exercise that same brutal honesty on your own character in the way you do with others. But if it leads to improvement rather than despair, it is worth the temporary discomfort in the realization that the trait one so idolized and cherished can have its dark side as well. If you can take this realization and learn from it--that your own honesty, or bluntness (call it what you will), shmecks of the same insensitivity you so abhor in others, it can bring you to become a more sensitive person yourself, as well as to be dan l'kaf zechut that perhaps others too do not realize that their behavior is insensitive.
Personally, I think there are two separate things there. The first part - insensitivity of others - is right on. There is nothing that bothers me more when people are selfishly insensitive, like the person parked on the side of the highway. Those 'little' things bother me far more than a lot of the 'bigger' things people can do.
Blunt vs. honesty is a different debate. I think there are times for both, even for (especially for?) close friends. In general, I avoid blunt... but I think talking straight is quite praiseworthy. ( ;) ) It's hard to define any of those... but use your judgment wisely.
You should have wrote it and left it there... :-P
I agree with you about the scary realization that the world is a mirror of our behavior and actions. Sometimes I get a bit paranoid about it and start seeing bad middos all over that I'm convinced I'm only seeing cuz they're really in me...
I'm still trying to find out how to really know...
scraps-ooh. it hurts more coming from someone else, but thanks, and you're totally right about the dan l'kaf zechut aspect:)
ezzie-thank you. I'm working on it:)
CP- I have the same problem:)
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to hurt...guess I have the same problem. :-/ However, having met you now, I'm not convinced that you are indeed so blunt or insensitive, unless you were doing a mighty fine job of holding yourself back over Shabbos. Just thought I'd let you know. :)
LOL(If I understood correctly). You're right. I think I was thinking of a couple of specific instances, but thinking about shabbos, I wasn't that bad at all. I tend to be a little(Okay,very) hard on myself. Thank you for the boost:) and It was really great getting to know you better. I really enjoyed our conversations, and our game(despite being kicked off the board prematurely:)
LOL(If I understood correctly). You're right. I think I was thinking of a couple of specific instances, but thinking about shabbos, I wasn't that bad at all. I tend to be a little(Okay,very) hard on myself. Thank you for the boost:) and It was really great getting to know you better. I really enjoyed our conversations, and our game(despite being kicked off the board prematurely:)
I think you did understand correctly. :)
I enjoyed our conversations and our game as well, and I was sorry to see you go. Can you believe that Red eventually won? (We didn't play until the bitter end, but she probably would've beaten me on her next turn.) I think you really are too hard on yourself...but then, I think most of us are. (I'm certainly not one to point fingers in that area, that's for sure!) You weren't bad AT ALL on Shabbos, and it was a pleasure making your acquaintance!
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